Natalie's Historical Highlights - History’s Biggest Buffoons

History’s Biggest Buffoons

Welcome to historical highlights! The segment where we look at some of the most entertaining and notable parts of our world’s history. Whether you're a history buff who can rattle everything there is to know about Henry the 8th’s six wives like me, or you’ve never taken a history class in your life I guarantee you won't be bored!

For my first article we’re gonna take a look at some of the world’s biggest buffoons! These are people who have done things so incredibly stupid that it went down in the history books to ensure that the most embarrassing moment of their lives will never be forgotten. Anyway, enough introduction, let's get started…..

Muhammed II of Khwarezm

To start us off let's take a look at Muhammed II of Khwarezm.  Muhammed II was the Shah (ruler) of the Khwarezmian Empire from 1200-1220. During his rule he managed to conquer all of Persia and Central Asia to add to the small kingdom he ruled over (impressive right!). Despite all of Muhammed’s military prowess and accomplishments as Shah he is best known in history for causing the Mongolian invasion and the demise of his empire. 

Gengis Khan, the famous Mongolian warrior-ruler, saw Muhammed as a potential ally and wanted to trade with him. Muhammed was very suspicious of this and when Khan sent peace and trade envoys over to Kwarezm Muhammed wrongfully accused them of being spies. He then executed them before sending their bodies back to Khan (Yes, he really did all that to the powerful warrior-ruler whose total conquests inevitably led to 40 million deaths). Muhammed soon felt Khan’s wrath as he was furious at what his potential ally turned enemy had done, in retaliation Khan invaded the Khwarezmian Empire, killed millions of people and completely destroyed the Empire. 

Sebastian 1

Sebastian was the king of Portugal from 1557-1578. He was most well known for being a European king and having the biggest military defeat outside of Europe. Sebastian was a young and naive king who was educated by Jesuits and grew up to believe that he was Christ's captain, destined to win victories over Muslims. This led to Sebastian leading an army of 23,000 Portuguese soldiers deep inside Morocco to conquer the Muslim country and bring it under Christian rule. He neglected to actually plan out this expedition and him and his army were thoroughly destroyed by the much larger Moroccan army. (Who could have seen that coming?)

Francisco Solano López

Francisco Solano López was a Paraguayan dictator in the 1800’s best known for declaring war on Brazil, Argentina and Uruguay all at the same time all so he can flaunt his amazing military prowess (arrogant much?). Solano didn’t understand his country’s need for neutrality from arguments between Argentina and Brazil. Instead he inserted himself into their squabbles and in 1863 he allowed himself to be drawn into boundary disputes with both countries and to become enthralled in a civil war currently undergoing in Uruguay. This could have all been easily avoided but Solano wanted to be the mediator in the dispute putting him centre stage in Latin politics (Yes you can say he wanted to be the ‘main character’). This all led to him being against all three countries in what was known as the War of the Triple Alliance or the Paraguayan War. Unfortunately for Solano the war didn’t go as he planned and he suffered many losses. At one point even his family was involved in a conspiracy to overthrow him. By the end of the war more than half of Paraguay's population was wiped out from invading armies. Solano was inevitably killed during battle by Brazilian troops on March 1 1870.

Joseph Hazelwood

Joseph Hazelwood was captain of the Exxon Valdez owned by the Exxon Shipping Company. On March 23 1989, the Exxon Valdez left the port of Valdez, Alaska to Long Beach, California carrying 53 million gallons of crude oil. 
That night while captaining this ship Hazelwood got drunk and allowed an unlicensed third mate with no prior experience steer the large ship. Unsurprisingly, that night the ship hit Bligh Reef, a well-known navigation hazard in Prince Williams Sound. Of course this caused some very disastrous results. The ship’s hull was ripped off causing 11 million gallons of crude oil to spill and pollute the water and ultimately making it the largest single oil spill in U.S waters at the time. (Good work Joseph, that’s one way to go down in the history books!)
The oil spill spread and ended up covering 1,300 miles of the coastline. This obviously had catastrophic effects on the aquatic life in the affected areas. Prior to this man-made disaster, Prince William Sound had a healthy, untarnished wilderness, but of course good things never last. Oil spill resulted in the demise of  approximately 250,000 sea birds, 3,000 otters, 300 seals, 250 bald eagles and 22 killer whales. 

There is still oil in the Prince William Sound to this day and it has never fully recovered. Hazelwood was charged with misdemeanour, negligence, fined with  $50,000 and court ordered to complete 1,000 hours of community service the next year. (Is it just me or do you think he got off easy for being so stupid?)

Alexius IV of the Byzantine Empire

Alexius IV was one from a long line of emperors of the Byzantine Empire (the eastern Roman Empire). In 1195, Alexius’s father Emperor Issac II was overthrown in a coup which resulted in him being blinded and imprisoned along with Alexius. 
However, in 1201 Alexius managed to escape and fled to his sister and her husband Phillip of Swabia in Germany. 

Not too long after, upon hearing rumours of the rising of a fourth crusade, Alexius pleaded with the Crusaders, (Christian soldiers) who were gathering the Fourth Crusade against the Muslims in Egypt, to bring him to Constantinople and help him be put on the throne as emperor of the Byzantine Empire. In return Alexius promised them money, weapons and ships to aid them in their fight in Egypt. The Crusaders followed through on their promise and in 1203 they helped reinstate Issac II as emperor along with Alexius making them co-emperors. Afterwards the Crusaders didn't just disappear, they were expecting their payment, which neither Alexis nor her father could provide. It was impossible for them to fulfill the large promise Alexius owed them, (so much for thinking ahead) and this led to the Crusaders sacking the city and destroying the Byzantine Empire. (So the lesson here is don't make promises you can't keep or you may end up destroying an entire empire). It took a long time for the Byzantine Empire to recover and Alexius was soon overthrown and murdered in February 1204.  

That’s the end of my first segment of Historical Highlights, I hope you all enjoyed and were able to feel just a little better about all the stupid mistakes you’ve made in your life. After all, at least the time you called your teacher mom in front of the whole class or tried to cut your own hair it didn’t result in the destruction of an entire empire!

Natalie Arachchige 4B